Lovers+Friends

Peanut, age 21

It’s so fucking cold up here, there’s ice in the windows like it’s some Christmas movie. Like I’m in the Christmas movie Tati got paused on the tv, instead of Louisiana, in her apartment, blocks away from her law school.

She ain’t wanna accept no money from me on her own place, tryna room with some poindexters she met from her classes. I had to come correct, giving her statistics and all these forum posts on crazy niggas who will use your toothbrush to clean the toilet before she gave in, and right now, I’m glad I did it. I’m nervous as fuck, and I don’t need an audience for what the fuck I’m finna say.

She’s been gone for a couple minutes, saying she had to use the restroom. But I know my Tati. She left before midnight, and paused the movie. She’s probably in her kitchen, getting the cake together, lighting the candles on it to come sing to me, like she’s done every other birthday we’ve spent together. She cooks it herself, and from scratch; the vanilla cake, and the cream cheese frosting. Each year she gets better at it, even though if the shit was nasty, I’d still eat it happily.

This may be the last year I get this cake though, and that has me chewing on the skin of my lips.

The door to Tati’s bedroom opens, and she backs in, before turning around with my cake. The birthday hat on her head is a little crooked, like her smile, as she begins to sing me happy birthday.

I’m already knowing Turk and Ty and Fredo are planning some extravaganza back home. They’ve been sending me a plethora of bitches they’ve got lined up for me, and the flyer for the wet t-shirt contest as Paradise. But if shit goes my way, I can let them have all the fun, and stay down here for the rest of Tati’s winter break. I’ve gotten better at stomaching bitches and they flaw ass ways, but it’s only one female I truly want. One female I’ve only wanted, always wanted.

The girl climbing onto the bed, finishing her sweet, off-key song. The only person who gets to call me by my first name.

“Make a wish, Pat,” she gushes, setting the tray with my cake down on the bed. I take the other birthday hat off of it, and put it on.

“Only if you let me tell you what it is.”

“That’s not how wishes work,” she grins, leaning back on the palms of her hands.

Damn, she’s the most beautiful girl I ever seen. It don’t make no sense, foreal. Like even if she wasn’t an angel on earth, she’d be bad as fuck. I be worrying myself sick sometimes, wondering if any of these pompous ass muthafuckas are trying her. I be downright murderous thinking about if her professors is on some weird shit, like that one nigga from her summer internship I had to body a few months back. It only took one time for her to mention that nigga was eyeing her a second too long for me and Fredo to make some shit shake. His wife still be pleading for any leads, and I be stopping myself from leading her bitch ass on a wild goose chase.

Part of why I wanna switch shit up is I’m tired of downing Pepto Bismol every time she posts some shit on her story. Tired of the runaround, the secret looks and shit. Tati is perfect, and I’m finally old enough that I feel like I can handle everything that comes with a girl like her. Finally got my shit together with Palace, making real legal money to go with my illegal ends.

I was supposed to wait until she graduated law school. Shit, it’s six months from now. But I can’t hold it no more, and I’m finna be shitting pink booboo if I don’t get it together.

I’m prolly sweating it out now through my asscheeks, the way my sweats are stuck to me. Even when I lick my lips so that they’re not dry, it don’t do shit. All the water in my body is in my lower half.

“But my wish includes you, so,” I say, leaning forward to blow out the candles and placing a clammy ass hand on top of hers.

“I, uh, got some shit I need to say. And, uh, I mean, I been holding it in, ‘cause I don’t wanna fuck up what we got. But that’s out, man.”

Tati blinks slowly, before pulling the tray and my cake out the way so that there’s nothing in between us. Her teeth comb her bottom lip, but she keeps a steady gaze on me and nods once. “Okay, Patrick. I’m all ears.”

Gently, she pulls her hand from mine, and takes off her birthday hat.

I frown up instantly. “Why you pulling away from me?” My whole speech is forgotten, just that fast. Tati so much a part of me, that the instant her energy changes, mine does too. I hate it as much as I love it. But right now, I’m barely able to be as vulnerable as I can be, and now she being weird.

“I-I’m not–”

“You is. You did it just now.”

“Say what you have to say,” she sighs, trying to come off nonchalant, but she can’t fool me. Her voice shaking and shit, eyes turning glassy in the dim lighting of her room. The sadder she get, the more angry I get, especially since I don’t know who the fuck paying for knocking my Tati off her square.

“Nah.” I stand up off the bed, and round it to her side. “Why you acting like you bracing yaself and shit?! The fuck going on, and don’t lie neither.”

She not holding eye contact no more, especially now that tears are rolling down her cheeks. Her arms wrap around her middle, literally holding herself together.

This is exactly why the fuck I fly private now. I got the AR in the trunk for emergencies like this.

“Just… say it,” she whimpers, shaking her head. Her watery gaze meets mine. “You have a girlfriend, right? That’s your big news?”

My neck drops my head so fast that my chin hits my fucking chest. “The fuck that come from?” I ask, all the anger in my body holding its breath.

The other homies be having bitches claim them, but not P-Nutty. Last bitch who approached me, I actually growled at her. That’s why I know my bros are doing the absolute most over my birthday shindig. They feel like I need a bitch, or at least a stress reliever, and they won’t take no for an answer anymore.

Even though my answer is right in front of me.

Tati wipes her face with the sleeve of her shirt. “You’ve been being weird and not replying as fast and you just said you don’t want things to be different. And I mean, you’re you, Patrick. You’re tall and handsome and a business owner and have grown so much from when we first met, that it was only a matter of time before you met someone, and you’re going back home in the morning, s-so I just assumed–”

I pull my Tati into my arms as her blabbering turns into silent sobs. She’s downright frightened. I ain’t ever seen her like this, even when she should be. Even when I told her shit I never wanna think about again.

“I ain’t got no mu’fuckin’ girlfriend, girl,” I snap, holding her to me as she fists my shirt.

All the anger leaves me, and something else is replacing it. Something I ain’t felt in a long time, instead of nervousness.

“I did meet someone though.” Keeping one arm wrapped around her, my other hand pinches her chin gently, and tilts her head so that she meets my gaze.

“Six years ago, next month, I met someone. At this dumb ass school library. She was my math tutor. It was love at first sight foreal.”

Her eyes flutter, before her usual sparkle is back, shining brighter by the second.

My lips pull at the sight, and I don’t even bother hiding my grin.

“How long you been feelin’ the kid?” I can’t help but ask. Me and Tati haven’t so much as kissed, ever. She always introduced me as hers, but we ain’t ever crossed no lines, and up until last week, I ain’t think I could ever do it.

She tries to look away, but I squeeze her side, keeping her attention.

“Would you believe me if I told you that I knew you’d mean something to me, the second I saw you, too?” she whispers.

“Yeah, but I know you wasn’t checking for me. That’s why I fuck with you so tough. When you start checking for me, Tati?”

Her teeth comb her lower lip again, and I know the answer to my question immediately.

“Last winter break.”

“When I took you to the airport.”

We say it at the same time, before mirroring the same stupid ass smiles.

Last year, we didn’t speak for weeks. I shot up the party she called herself going to, and her parents had her on lockdown the entire time she was back in town. We ain’t see each other until the Sunday before she was due to fly back here. All we did was hang out at First Sundays on the Ave, but it felt different. She leaned in a little more than usual. Hugged me a little longer. Her eyes twinkled more, like they doing now. And the next morning, when I took her to the airport, she said she ain’t wanna leave, like she always did, but it sounded different, too.

“I was so sick, when we weren’t speaking. I knew then that I didn’t think of you as just my friend anymore.”

“You ain’t ever been just my friend, Tati. You always been just mine. My tutor, my angel on earth, and honestly, I want you to be my girl. My baby mama, foreal.”

“Your baby mama?” she giggles, and I swear my ears wiggle at the sound.

“Shit, my everything, on Baby.” I’m leaning down before I can catch myself, but the way her eyes close and her lips pucker, I don’t stop.

Not until our lips touch, and my hand slides to the back of her head to fist her braids.

How lame is it that I ain’t ever kissed a bitch before. Any time one of them sick bitches tried, I would suck my lips into my face and turn my head. They could take whatever, but they wasn’t kissing me. Fuck that.

Nah, the last time I kissed someone was my mama, and she been dead eleven years. 

I don’t even know what I’m doing foreal. I can’t get out of my head enough to be natural, and anger begins to build back up, grounding me from feeling weightless from having my Tati in my arms because she likes me, and not because she pities me. But when I wrench my lips away from hers, and rest my forehead on hers, I know the pity will be back.

“I’on know what I’m doing,” I whisper against her lips. It’s just us, and I feel the air change, every time I let bullshit flow freely because I know she’ll never judge me.

“I’on even know if I can be what you need. I be wanting you to myself, but shit, I’ll probably cry the first time we fuck. Prolly won’t be able to even do it. The type of fucking I was taught, you too good for. You the type of girl niggas make love to, and I’on know how to do that. Don’t even know how to kiss you, Tati. I want you so bad, but I’on even know what to do with you…”

Her hand cups my cheek as she leans back. “I don’t know what I’m doing either,” she says, her thumb rubbing reassuringly right under my eye. “I’m new to this too, Pat. We can figure it out together.”

“Yeah?” My shoulders drop, and even though the lump in my throat is big as fuck, I try to swallow around it.

She nods hella times. “Right after graduation.”

That pulls a laugh out of me, and I playfully push her away. She wipes her face more with her sleeves, before going for the cake. 

“I’ma put this up. Maybe we can eat some in the morning before you leave? I saw Fredo and Royce post about your birthday party tomorrow.”

“Maaan,” I make myself back comfortable on her bed, snapping the birthday hat off my head. “Fuck that party, and fuck them niggas. I wanna watch dumb ass Christmas movies all weekend and kiss my future baby mama some more. Is that cool with you?”

“U-u-um, y-y-yeah–yup. Sure is. I don’t have class Monday, so… yeah.” Tati leans in the doorway, her face turned away from me, but I know she’s trying to recenter herself.

Sheeit, I ain’t even cry like Rico said I would. And even though I know she serious about waiting to fuck until after she graduates six months from now, I’m not tripping at all. I got the rest of our lives to get over all the bullshit from my past. This weekend, I can chill and gloat about how for once, I got exactly what the fuck I want, and ain’t have to scheme, plot, or kill to get it.

And when she comes back into her room, her smile brighter than I’ve seen it, I know something as bullshit as my past was never gon’ keep me from being right here, exactly where I’m supposed to be: with my Tati.