Episode 7: No Crashing Out

Slime

My phone screen lighting up disrupts my periphery.

I watch my brother call me until the voicemail picks it up.

I don’t have shit to talk about.

I haven’t had shit to talk about for months now.

The one person I want to speak to, could speak to, about anything, is gone.

Died alone.

The one way we promised each other we wouldn’t go out.

My phone lights up again, through my now blurry vision.

I didn’t think someone could cry as much as I have. I thought the tears would dry up eventually.

They did when Pops got knocked.

They did when my brother made it out of that dicey surgery.

Now though? Now, I don’t think I’ll ever stop crying.

Stop mourning.

And the worst part is, no one truly understands. Not really. Not even close.

Maybe–

“No,” I say aloud, forbidding myself to think about her.

She couldn’t have loved us. You don’t lie to the people you love.

Though, I’m basically lying to everyone I love, too.

My phone lights up again, and I wipe my eyes to see who keeps blowing my line down.

But it’s not my brother, or Mama, or my homies.

I pick up my phone and stare at the contact.

I only have it for emergencies. He made me program her number, in case something happened while he was gone. It was never beef, or a competition, but we never clicked like how he wanted. It wasn’t anyone’s fault… he joked that he forced his way into her life some years back, before we connected on this level.

Still, she’s never used my number before.

That’s why I’m answering the call.

Her sniffles come through immediately, and they have me sitting up on my couch.

“Autumn? What’s wrong?”

“Gio… she’s gone… Tati’s gone.”

I sink back into the couch. “The fuck you mean? Ain’t she just have her baby?”

There’s some movement on her end before the background clears, but her voice is still wet with tears. “Sh-she’s fine, her daughter’s fine. Tati had complications… P’s all fucked up, Gio. No one knows what to do or say.”

Hot rage flashes through my body. “The fuck you telling me for, huh? You think I can calm that nigga down? He lost the love of his life, Haze–FUCK!” I slap my forehead, welcoming the tears this time at my slip up.

That damn nickname. I once asked him about it, but he told me he’d have to kill me, and he couldn’t live without me, so I couldn’t know.

My stupid ass thought it was cute.

“Gio,” she says, gaining my attention again.

“I can’t,” I croak. “You’re asking me to–”

“I’m not asking you to admit to anything, or even name a name, Gio. But you’re the only person who knows what P’s going through right now. You know how much he meant to Fred–”

“Don’t.”

“You know he would want you to help. Family Over Everything, even grief. If anyone can get to P, it’s you.”

“Because I’m an expert in grief?” I chuckle mirthlessly.

“Because you could sell water to a fish,” she laughs through her tears.

I sigh, knowing she’s right. For all the people we’ve lost, none of us have lost a love.

Until me.

And now Nutty.

“Where he at, Autumn?”

“We’re at his place. It’s just me, Deucey, and the baby; I sent everyone home for the night, in case you did wanna disclose–”

“Hell naw. I’m on the way.”

My knees crack as I stand up. My shower’s quick, and getting dressed is even quicker, since I can’t bear to be in my room.

I lock up my crib, and slide into my whip to head to that bougie ass neighborhood Nut moved to when he built Tati their crib. Had us all working like a damn construction crew, having Ty-Ty of all people barking orders.

When I would watch gang movies as a young bull, I ain’t think my bros would have us doing construction, and paying for community college classes.

I’m now getting my Master of Public Policy in three months. Got a job in City Hall waiting for me and all.

We were supposed to go back to Belize to celebrate.

My phone lights up, stopping my music as I glide down the e-way.

I know he won’t stop, especially since I’m on the move, so I finally answer my brother.

“Yes–”

“Don’t fuckin’ ‘yes’ me like I’m bothering you, nigga! Got Mama at Mass every morning praying for yo ass, and got me ready to burn down yo apartment building just to smoke you out. The fuck you speeding to?!”

“Tati passed. I’m going to check on Nut.”

My brother’s quiet for once. We’re only ten months apart, and sometimes I forget who’s older than who.

Seems like we switch off.

“I still don’t wanna talk, G. I don’t know when or if I’ll wanna talk. I know you’re worried about a nigga, but this ain’t something we can deal with together.”

“Cap. You my brother, so your pain is mine. Bad enough you so deep in the closet you blending in with winter coats and shit–”

“G–”

“I’m sayin’, regardless, your pain is real, and you don’t gotta hide you fucked up behind it. Though, in my humble opinion, you not hiding shit. Niggas just don’t care as much as you think.”

“Easy for you–”

“Why? ‘Cause I’m straight? Apples and oranges, bro. We’ve lit up niggas for disrespecting Tune, so why would you think niggas wouldn’t do the same for you? Or has anyone said some shit? Let me know now before this nigga Turk put me through culinary school.”

“Nah,” I whisper, processing his logic. “No one’s, no one’s said anything.”

“Because, no one gives a fuck. You and Tune was like the worst kept secret in the hood, especially when y’all got with that young bit–”

“Aight, enough. I’m pulling up to Nut’s crib now. I’ll, uh, come through Mama’s crib after this, and maybe you can whip us all up some breakfast.”

I can practically see my brother grinning on the other side of the phone. “Ain’t said shit, my boy. But uh, give Nutty my condolences. Did they seed make it?”

I turn off my car and sigh. “Yeah. She made it.”

“Thank God. Glad the bro has a piece of his girl still here. Come to Mama’s regardless of how you’re feeling after, Gio. We miss you.”

He hangs up before I can reply.

I haven’t seen anyone.

Not since I couldn’t even get off the couch for his funeral.

Didn’t feel like I deserved to be around.

Couldn't even throw myself into school. My gift of gab is the only reason I’m still graduating on time.

I get out and slam the car door shut. Autumn opens the front door as I walk up.

Even in the moonlight, I can see how tired she is. Wig all fucked up. Bags under her hazel eyes. She steps out of the way so I can come inside.

“He’s in his mancave,” she whispers, like we’re not alone in the darkened entryway.

“Aight.”

“Come here, first.” She starts toward the stairs and I follow her, even though everything in me wants to turn back around.

To go back home.

Where I could pretend that he’d be coming home any minute.

The room she takes me to is princess themed.

Anaïs is spraypainted in different pinks on one wall.

Deuce, Autumn’s son, is asleep on the air mattress in the middle of the room. We walk to the bassinet beside it, and my breath catches at the newborn on her back, wrapped like a burrito.

“Meet Anaïs Caroline Rivera,” Autumn coos, picking her up.

My fists clench, staring at the baby girl. Already, her life is chaos. No mom, and her dad is finna crash out.

“Autumn–”

“I don’t know how you’re doing it,” she whispers. When we make eye contact, tears spill over her lids. “I truly don’t know. If I didn’t have Deucey, I would have killed myself in May. I wouldn’t have even made it to be her godmother. I’m only here because I have to keep going for my son. I think Turkey knew I would need something stronger than our bond to keep me here. So when it comes to you, Gio, I don’t know how you’re doing it. And I don’t expect you to tell me, but I need you to tell him, because I don’t–”

“I’ll try my best.” 

She nods slowly, turning back toward Anaïs, and I walk out, back toward Nut’s mancave.

The whole room is smoked out. My eyes start burning as I squint and try to remember the layout of the room.

It takes a moment for my eyes to adjust, but I see Nut’s hair hanging over the side of the couch.

I stumble over something before landing on the other side of the couch. Nutty sits up, but only to relight his blunt.

It’s so smoky in here, I’ll know I’ll get a contact high.

But the smoke is the perfect cover for vulnerability I’m not trying to have right now.

“Woulda thought Autumn would get Shad, or Rico. You not even supposed to be around no fuckin’ smoke–”

“I fell in love last year,” I interrupt him.

It’s still too painful to think or speak about him, but maybe I can blend the details of them both to get my point across.

My bluntness makes Nutty whip his head toward me. None of us really be talking that love shit except him and Turk, and more recently Set.

And the rest of us be laughing at they asses.

Especially me. Like I hadn’t been in a relationship for the past few years.

“Came out of nowhere,” I reminisce, thinking of Ju. He was always more angry at her for lying than I was. I was pissed, fasho, but I was too far gone. I would have forgiven her. But he couldn’t, and I couldn’t choose, so I let him choose for me.

The only time we ever really argued.

“She’s gone though. Earlier this year.”

“That why you be MIA?” he grumbles before taking a pull.

“You’d think you be ready for grief, losing a parent. You think you can handle any grief when you’ve handled that, but it’s nothing, nothing like losing the love of your life. It’s like… being suspended in time. You don’t know what the fuck to do, what to think, what to say, and no one else does either.”

“I know what I wanna do Dub. I wanna burn the fuckin’ hospital down. I wanna, I wanna wake Tati ass up just to kill her fuckin’ ass again for leaving me. For leaving us. I wanna murk her fuck ass daddy, too! I wanna crash out so fuckin’ bad, Dub. So fuckin’ bad!”

Nutty’s shoulders shake as he breaks down, blunt still in his mouth.

“This shit not fair, bro,” he says, snatching his blunt and putting it out on the ashtray. 

“Nah, it’s not, Nut.” I try to wipe my face, since the smoke mixed with tears got me so fucked up.

“So what the fuck do we do? Huh? I know that’s why Autumn called you here. You got the answers? What the fuck do we do without them?!”

I turn toward Nutty, locking eyes with him.

He’s always been who we looked to. Since way back, before his mama died. He was always fearless. And then when he came back, life had hardened him even more, just like it hardened us.

Still, Nutty’s always been a natural born leader. We had a problem, we knew to get to P-Nutty. He’d always know what to do.

For the first time, I see him as someone as lost as we all are. Someone who doesn’t have all the answers. 

I stand up from the couch. “When I figure it out, you’ll be the first to know. Can you hold on until then, Nut?”

He stares up at me, whole face screwed up from his scowl as tears descend. But then he nods his head once, stands, and walks out of the room.

I follow him out, and we both stop in the kitchen, where Autumn is feeding Anaïs. 

“I’ma shower, and then you can give her to me so you can sleep.” Nutty doesn’t wait for her to reply, before disappearing again.

I take a seat at the island, and watch her feed the baby and burp her. She doesn’t ask me about what I said, and I don’t volunteer any information.

We just sit together in the dimmed light, in companionable silence, though still feeling the hollowness. It’d always been there, truth be told. At least one person has always been missing.

Whether it’s Turk, or Rico, or Ty-Ty.

And now, at least one person will be permanently missing.

Half an hour later, we leave Nutty in his room, as he ugly cries while watching his daughter sleep.

“Me and Deucey are staying here until he’s comfortable being a single dad,” Autumn assures me, as she walks me out.

“Turk okay with that?”

She cuts her eyes to me. “Turkey don’t run me. We don’t even live together now.”

“Life’s too short to be playing the games you do. Stop running from him, before it’s too late.”

She blinks, before averting her gaze, but I don’t push her. More than one person has tried to explain their dynamic to me, but to me, it just sounds like she’s scared.

We finally make it to the front door and I open it. “I’ll check on him–”

Autumn crushes herself to me, wrapping her arms around me tight. 

After the initial shock wears off, I slowly wrap my arms around her shoulders, and rest my chin on the top of her head.

“Can I… can I call you? Sometimes?” she whimpers against my hoodie.

I hug her tighter, letting myself sink into the hug.

I’m not the only one who lost a love.

And though their love never crossed the romantic lines, it was love all the same.

Whether romantic or platonic, there was only one way to love Frederick Alvarez.

And that was completely.

“You call me and I’m coming, on Foe,” I say. It’s what he’d want me to say, to promise in his absence. “He loved you, you know that right?”

“He loved you, too. He loved you so much,” she cries. “He was gonna tell Rico. He was waiting until you were ready.”

The confession punches me in the gut.

I break down in her arms.

It takes minutes for me to get myself together enough to leave the embrace. Autumn rubs her hands up my arms like she’s my Nonna.

“You call, and I’m coming, too, Gio.” 

I nod and try to muster a smile, before I kiss her on the forehead and leave the threshold.

The sun’s starting to come up. I wanna go home. I wanna smell his cologne. I wanna pretend that he’s on his way back, and that we’ll spend the morning lost in each other, before he tells me all the little minute things his night consisted of.

Or he’ll call me, because he can’t come home, and tell me all about Sabrina, the girl who brought Set to his knees.

But neither will happen.

Autumn watches me get in the car, and only goes back inside once I’m off the property.

I don’t go home. Somehow, I make it to Mama’s house the same time as G.

We both get out, and he rushes me.

This type of grief, I don’t know if it’ll ever go away. 

But I told Nutty I’ll figure it out, so I gotta see it through.

“I told Mama about Ju, since I know you ain’t want her to know about–”

“Nah. Thanks, bro.”

G grins, slapping my back. “I be knowing. Come on. Maybe we can talk her out of morning Mass, in favor of a continental spread.”

I shake my head, smiling my first real smile in months. I know this is why I’ve avoided him; it’s impossible to be sad around Guiliano. Not for long anyway.

“You know we’ll do both.”

Mama exits her house then, fully dressed. Her eyes stretch when they land on me, and she begins to curse in Italian, as she points her finger at me and stomps toward us.

Me and G full on laugh, getting louder when she begins to swat both of us.

We guide her to G’s whip, and she settles in his back seat, like she’s not secretly happy her boys are going to Mass with her.

And I let myself let go of some of the heaviness that had long settled in my chest.